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 July 1998
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F&SF Goes to Hollywood John Kessel Howard Waldrop Pat Cadigan Six Great SF Movies That Could Be Made Without Audible Explosions in the Vacuum of Space By Ursula K. Le Guin Philip K. Dick: Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? Yes, I know. There's Blade Runner that everybody else thinks is so great. But instead of another trendy-noir-violent-yawn consistent entirely of the cut to the chase, the book it misused could have been the basis of a fine movie with, like people in it. . . . The Man in the High Castle could be pretty nifty, too. Ursula K. Le Guin: The Left Hand of Darkness All we need is a cast consisting of androgynous Inuits, plus maybe Michael Dorn, and Greenland. Scenes in the kemmerhouse could be really a whole lot of fun. Vonda N. McIntyre: The Moon and the Sun The whole thing has to be paced like Citation winning the Derby, and filmed at Versailles in the most absolutely gorgeous historical-flamboyant style, with absolutely gorgeous actors, especially the dwarf Count, the mermaid, and Louis the Fourteenth. It would be a joy and a delight. C. J. Cherryh: The Faded Sun All three books could be scripted into one truly beautiful space opera, with plenty of action, both duels and big cataclysms - but the soul of it would consist in our gradually getting drawn into an alien point of view, just as in the books. Shrines in canyons, ancient deserted cities, sandstorms - it has to be filmed in Utah: Arches, Canyonlands, Zion. (Maybe we could blow up Moab.) H. G. Wells: The First Men on the Moon A vivid, haunting nightmare, and now a great period piece, the book offers spectacular opportunities to a filmmaker with a sense of style and a sense of humor. The invention and testing of Cavorite - the wonderful scene of Dawn on the Moon - the cranky Brits - the horrid selenites in their horrid caves - Oh, come on, somebody do it! Who I'll Cast When They Let Me Direct... by John Kessel The Stars My Destination, by Alfred Bester
The Man in the High Castle, by Philip K. Dick
The Left Hand of Darkness, by Ursula K. Le Guin
The Book of the New Sun, by Gene Wolfe
Red Mars, by Kim Stanley Robinson
A Canticle for Leibowitz, by Walter M. Miller, Jr.
"All You Zombies---", by Robert A. Heinlein
Sarah Canary, by Karen Joy Fowler
More than Human, by Theodore Sturgeon
"Think Like a Dinosaur," by James Patrick Kelly
Gun, with Occasional Music, by Jonathan Lethem
Finally, with apologies . . . Corrupting Dr. Nice, by John Kessel
Five More SF Biopics We Don't Need (And the Spins and High Concepts That Will Be Put on Them) by Howard Waldrop 1. What's It All About? Guy comes in a bar every night, tells long weird stories (as films-within-the-film) to the bartender (Kevin Bacon). One's about a man (John Malkovich) and his maybe-killer android (Wallace Shawn); one's about a guy who does weird stuff to keep the universe in balance (Judge Reinhold); one about a guy who uses teleportation to get revenge on people who didn't come to his aid after a space naufrage (Michael J. Pollard). One night the guy doesn't show up; turns out the guy died; he was a famous sf writer and left the bartender everything. Written by Quentin Tarantino, directed by James Ivory. A cross between the tv sitcom Cheers and Melvin and Howard. 2. Nobody Kicks Earth! Story of a space opera writer (Drew Carey) who becomes the editor of the top sf magazine in the 30s; an opinionated, irascible, voluble man ("Face it, Ike. Slaves weren't meant to be free!") with a difficult first marriage ("Shouldn't you two be in Atlantic City by now?") who nevertheless changes the field and gets lots of respect. With Dean Stockwell as "Heironymous Dean" the inventory. Cameos: Johnny Depp as F. Orlin Tremaine, Iggy Pop as Theodore Sturgeon, Josh Mostel as Isaac Asimov, Angela Cartwright as C. L. Moore and Wallace Shawn as Henry Kuttner. Written by Paul Schrader, directed by John Milius. A three-way cross between Mishima, Red Dawn, and The Sheltering Sky. 3. That Bright Pink Light About a writer who took enough drugs to kill the entire membership of the SFFWA and still managed to act like a paranoid schizophrenic while turning out strange good books and bad strange books. Starring Wings Hauser, with Bob Newhart as the voice of the V(ariable) A(nnuity) L(ife) I(nsurance) S(alesman) ("The difference between you and most guys, Phil, is that when they see the bright pink light, they smile and open another beer."). With Tim Powers (as James Blaylock) and James Blaylock (as Tim Powers); K. W. Jeter and Michael Bishop as themselves (they think). Meg Tilly in multiple roles as wives and girlfriends, and Wallace Shawn as The Thing In The Sky. Written by Mel Brooks, directed by Richard Benjamin. A cross between Drugstore Cowboy and Song of Bernadette. 4. Go Ask Tip Tori Spelling in the role of a lifetime as a woman whose regular life - on safaris in Africa at 6, OSS agent in WWII, employed by the CIA, experimental psychologist, artist - wasn't enough, and late in life took a male nom de plume and began to write great sf stories. You woulda thought she'd killed everybody's puppies when it was revealed that "he" was a "she." With Harry Dean Stanton as "Linebarger, the guy at the office," and Wallace Shawn as one of the snoops who blew the cover. Same ending as the Robert E. Howard biopic. Screenplay by Joan Didion, directed by Penny Marshall. A three-way cross between Victor/Victoria, Three Days of the Condor, and It's A Wonderful Life. 5. Of Time and the Miskatonic (video title: Play Miskatonic for Me) Brad Pitt is H. P. Lovecraft! Wallace Shawn is Houdini! With Anthony Hopkins as Farnsworth Wright and Frances McDormand as Sonia Greene, and the Big Blackfoot River as the Miskatonic. Screenplay by the Coen brothers, directed by Albert Brooks. A cross between Tom and Viv and Pulp Fiction. Ten SF/Fantasy/Genre Movies That Should Not Have Been Made By Pat Cadigan Gordon Van Gelder asked me to compile a list of sf/fantasy/genre movies that should not have been made, with full knowledge of how potentially offensive the result could be. So I'm going to tell you right now: he asked me, to speak for me. He did not ask me to speak for you, for him, or for your Aunt Minnie. If my comments offend you, you can complain but frankly, I don't care. I don't have to. And to be honest, if I'd known how much I would be offending you, I'd have spoken up sooner. These are movies, for god's sake. 1. Dune Enumerating the reasons this bow-wow should not have been loosed on the world is an exercise in finding out exactly how obsessive-compulsive you are-days later, you're still thinking of more in your spare moments. I'll confine myself to those that immediately come to mind: A) The sandworm rodeo/surfing invitational-Yeehaw! B) Many terms/names that great sf writers invent should never be spoken aloud-e.g., "Muad Dib," "Usul," "Kwisatz Hederach," and "gom jabbar." Especially "gom jabbar," when spoken by a small girl whose voice sounds as if it has been dubbed by an adult imitating a small girl. C) Any movie that requires the cast to be costumed such that they have to have equipment hanging out of their noses is trying too hard. D) The Harkonnen emperor's plague of boils E) Dean Stockwell in smudged lipstick F) Interstellar travel via projectile vomiting G) Sting scantily-clad for only a few minutes, and not the whole movie. 2. Alien Resurrection Can you say, "The cash cow needs milking"? Actually, the cash cow didn't need milking; the milkers were looking for something to do with their hands. A) Alien3 was bad enough without compounding the offense. B) Identification via halitosis C) They killed the sexiest pirate first D) Sigourney Weaver's manicure E) No one was bright enough to think of dumping the Alien plot and just writing a story to showcase the pirates. Especially the sexy one. 3. Event Horizon Sometimes, high concept-"Hey, feature this: Hellraiser in space!"-is just a party game, and only funny if you're drunk. A) Life-support/suspended animation/what-the-hell-was-it-supposed-to-be-anyway entirely too messy B) Cutesy-poo crew nicknames-whose brainstorm was that? C) What cause? What effect? More cgi and they won't notice! 4. Independence Day I'm sure that the entire world is slavishly grateful to the US for giving them an independence day to celebrate, too. No, don't thank us, world-the look on your face is enough. A) Intelligent life smart enough to build interstellar spacecraft, but too dumb to shield its computers from viruses B) Violation of Law of Extreme Coincidences: "Aliens invading? Why, we just happen to have one of their spacecraft in an underground parking garage in Area 51." Even Mulder would look askance. C) Memo to Data: after spending a Star Trek series as an android, a stretch involves playing a human being, not a cartoon; chastise your agent. D) Ends up looking like an expensive rip-off of Mars Attacks!, whether it is or not. 5. Combination Plate # 1: Field of Dreams, Waterworld, and The Postman Kevin Costner is living out his fantasy of being a brave and rugged yet sincere and sensitive hero. There is nothing inherently wrong in this per se, but on this scale, it tends to suggest narcissism as a severe and untreatable personality disorder. The cinematic equivalent of a beautifully-designed, highly expensive dustwrapper on a vanity-press volume of bad poetry, including tipped-in color plates of author's own illustrations, produced in signed, limited edition of 6,000,000. A) Field of Dreams indicates Madonna had his number all along. B) Waterworld indicates Costner slept through Geology 101. C) The Postman indicates Costner is still asleep. 6. Combination Plate #2: Jurassic Park and The Lost World Too-obvious product placement is merely tacky; using a movie to display that movie's own tie-in products is beyond the pale. My son the Bobmeister actively rejected anything with a Jurassic Park/Lost World logo on it, for that very reason: "I'll decide what I'm greedy for-Stephen Spielberg doesn't think for me!" A) Cutesy-poo dinosaurs with allergies-when did you last meet an iguana with hayfever? (Oh, stop, you did not.) B) Outhouse joke improperly placed-it's not from the Jurassic, it's antidiluvian C) Anorexic tyrannosaur that loses so much weight during the course of the film that it goes from shaking the earth to being able to sneak up on people sets bad dieting example for young people already obsessed with being thin. Ditto bulimic lizards. D) The Lost World-"Something has survived." Yeah, no one saw that coming; as easy to miss as an anorexic tyrannosaur. 7. Combination Plate #3: Michael and Phenomenon Acting out vanity fantasies is one thing; using movies as vehicles to hint that you are/can be genuinely superhuman, possibly divine, is vile. A) Phenomenon rhymes with Algernon, as in "Flowers for." Coincidence? B) Travolta's mini-Last Supper scene with children and apple-Last Snack-is possibly too subtle for anyone except Scientologists C) Andie McDowell says to William Hurt the same thing I said when she first appeared onscreen: "Oh, it's you. I thought you'd gone." D) Heartless tabloid editor wants Andie McDowell only for...kinky sex? No! Her dog-walking ability! Yeah, that's just like a heartless tabloid editor. E) Barflies find dancing angel irresistible. How many pinheads danced on that angel? 8. Combination Plate #4: Mimic and The Relic Oh, never mind. I can never tell them apart. They both taste like turkey. 9. Combination Plate #5: Star Trek 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7...15...28...39... When will this punishment end-when the number of sequels equals the collective age of the original cast? Isn't it bad enough that Leonard Nimoy recanted and said he was Spock after all? Note to TNG and DS9 casts: don't bother running from the Borg-you've already been assimilated. Note to the Borg: resistance is futile. You will be assimilated, just like the Klingons. 10. The Jackal Not strictly a genre movie-at least, not this genre-but egregious enough to merit mention. If Bruce Willis wants to play the cool assassin character from the original movie, he can wait till the game comes out on the Playstation, just like the rest of us. PS: Yes, I know. But that's Ms. Bitch to you. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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