Kozmic Kickstarter

 
PROJECT STATEMENT: Assemble, rehearse, and take on the road a chorus of identical individuals from several timelines.

 
PROJECT FUNDING: 3.9⁵ megacoins.

 
PRESENTATION PRÉCIS: Hi, Kickstarters! My name is Hayden Planarian, and I'm a well-established singer, having performed at such venues as Trump Marsport, Hard Rock Café Puppis, and Bellagio Casino Ursa Major. My dream right now is to recruit approximately fifty of my doppelgängers from across various parallel branes to form a unique chorus of myselves, then conduct a galactic tour. I would not draw any salary from the Kickstarter funds, but instead subsist on whatever ticket sales accrue, divided equally among myself and my "sisters." My major expenses are 1) securing access to cross-brane portals (approximate power demands per minute of active usage is point zero five percent of standard annual solar output); and 2) hiring translators, bodyguards, and diplomats, as well as providing bribes, on those branes that deviate significantly and perhaps dangerously from my own.

 
PERCENT FUNDED: variable across multiple branes.

 
PROJECT STATEMENT: The Society for the Extension of Turing-ready Species wishes to confer sophont-hood on the highest lifeform of Upsilon Andromedae VII.

 
PROJECT FUNDING: 1.5¹⁰ gigacoins.

 
PRESENTATION PRÉCIS: As the wavefront of SETS works its way across the galaxy, our dedicated missionaries have encountered many species that were just trembling on the verge of sentience, and needed little more than a stern lecture from one of our Monoliths or the introduction of a non-cannibalistic mating ritual to make the leap to true self-awareness. But with the slimemolds of Upsilon Andromedae VII, we are faced with a truly superhuman task. We cannot use genetic engineering to impose our own ineluctably biased standards of sentience on a species that can barely yet climb a simple ramp, but must instead rely on accelerated Darwinian evolution in situ. Although the chronofield generators are fairly inexpensive, this project will take eons, and we must budget for continuous Uatu-level monitoring during that period.

 
PERCENT FUNDED: .9%

 
PROJECT STATEMENT: To emulate to a high degree of precison what will become, in effect, a live-role-playing simulation of the entire canon of ancient Star Wars "movies."

 
PROJECT FUNDING: 8.620 petacoins

 
PRESENTATION PRÉCIS: Galactic civilization having finally reached a developmental stage that matches or surpasses that depicted in the High Chaotic Period entertainment franchise known as the Star Wars Mythos, it is now finally possible to "swede up," as the period slang would have it, a remake of the entire saga, a production that completely eschews special effects of any kind, thus providing a more authentic experience for the dedicated acolytes of this cult. (Small cosmetic enhancements and prosthetics will be allowed to bring contemporary characters into complete conformity with the originals.) We need to purchase many, many items in advance, such as several planets and Death Stars for destruction; to hire millions of extras; and to work out the last few bugs from the design of the double-bladed Lightsaber so that its users do not instantly kill themselves upon activation of the unwieldy weapon. After an internecine interplanetary civil war between rival factions of our team, we have cut down our original cost estimates by deciding to forego hiring any scriptwriters to improve the dialogue.

 
PERCENT FUNDED: "Do or do not…there is no try."

 
PROJECT STATEMENT: We intend to disassemble all planets in this system with the exception of exoEarth 51 Peg b for the construction of a totally sealed adamantium, energy-sequestering and causal-blockage globe around the primary.

 
PROJECT FUNDING: 5.825 zettacoins.

 
PRESENTATION PRÉCIS: The best stochastics for 51 Peg b indicate an imminent Singularity incident within the next three years, plus or minus 10%. The League to Preserve Baseline Humanity wants to shield the planet from contact with the rest of the galaxy—and vice versa—well before that time, while still allowing its residents maximum developmental freedom, under the terms of the United Planets charter (the famous "life, liberty, and the pursuit of computational density" clause). The well-being and stability of all systems inside a ten-thousand-light-year sphere with 51 Pegasi at its center is our primary concern.

 
PERCENT FUNDED: 115%

 
PROJECT STATEMENT: I have written over two thousand pages of fan fiction based on the novel Shades of Ultraviolet by E. L. James IX, and I need to revise it to feature supernatural elements.

 
PROJECT FUNDING: 10,000 zeptocoins.

 
PRESENTATION PRÉCIS: Although the franchise begun by the original E. L. James and continued by her dynastic successors owed its origin to the supernaturally replete Twilight series, all E. L. James, Inc., properties since that first repurposing have been rigorously stripped of any paranormal elements. I was inspired recently (by sales figures for paranormal romances) to conceive of restoring these occult plot and character tropes to my own clonal iteration of the sampling of the mashup of the slash homage. The small sum I am asking for will cover merely my caffeine consumption, interweb service fees, and purchase of inspirational fantasy trilogies during the revision process, much of which will be facilitated by market-based, reader-polled, artificially creative content- provider software packages.

 
PERCENT FUNDED: -99%